Faded

When someone you love passes away people often say something to the effect of "they'll live in your memory and heart forever". Which at the time is of little use and comfort and yet inevitably someone will say something like that. Instead of punching them in the face, you simply grimace, which you think is a thin smile, as tears fall down your cheeks. 

I was recently on a flight to Los Angeles from New York, spending the journey with my favorite past time of reading. This particular flight I was opening up the new novel by Jennifer Wiener "The Next Best Thing". The premise of the book is a young woman moves across the country to Los Angeles with her grandmother to pursue her dreams of being a writer. The book is terrible but the relationship between the young woman and her grandmother struck a familiar cord. I initially smiled as I remembered that my grandmother, just like the fictional one, would cook for me when I was feeling sad but the smile quickly faded. I struggled to remember something specific about my grandmother, her scent, her laugh, the sound of her voice, her mannerisms, anything and as I searched my mind, I realized it is all gone. Not one ring of her laugh, no one waft of her scent, not one note of her voice as she said I love you. I have nothing left of her except snap shots, stills of points in time when I was with her but it's not fluid, it's more like remembering a photo. I broke down on this flight, cried my eyes out and I'm sure made many people around me uncomfortable. This somehow felt like experiencing the death itself all over again. Because while you do want to punch the person who says you have their memories, in the long run that actually is comforting. To know that they did live, that you shared something special with another human being, that there was love shared and memories made.

But what happens when the people you love that have past don't live in your memories forever? What happens when those memories fade?

I've been trying to work this out for weeks and I don't have the answer. However, I do know that she did exist, that she loved me unconditionally and that I love her still to this day.

Grimacing 
Nina Michelle

30 years, 2 days, 4 hours and counting

So I turned 30 two days ago....
I turned 30. Two days ago.
I'm 30.

This is odd. Not only is this odd to think about, it's odd to say out loud, it's odd to write down. I'm 30. I had a moment at the gym on the elliptical yesterday; it asks my age and my weight and I had to pause to remember that my age now starts with a 3. Three. Zero. A guy I met yesterday, asked "How are you?" I respond with "Great, I just turned 30". He gave me a look that I read as "are you seriously happy about that?". I think I am. This has been coming since the day I was born and of course by the grace of God I have actually made it here. However, I can't lie. I have had a bit of anxiety about something in the past week or so. I could not put my finger on what exactly was making me anxious but no doubt this birthday was a contributing factor. And while many mistake my thoughts and anxiety surrounding this birthday as a fear of aging, of getting old, it is not that at all. For me, it's wondering if I really have learned anything, if I am better now than I was a year ago, 10 years ago. If my 30's will actually represent a stronger sense of who I am and who I am called to be. I can only pray that this will actually come to be, that I can fully realize who I am, appreciate all of what that means, take the rest as a learning experience and leave the crap behind.

Inevitably people ask what I am doing to celebrate. A few years ago, I thought my 30th birthday party would be an event. Something requiring pretty invitations, fabulous dresses and amazing cocktails. Now that it's here, all I want to do is be surrounded by the people that have made my life a rich and wonderful experience. To see and be a part of things that bring joy to my life and funny, pretty invitations and amazing cocktails did not come to mind. Although fireworks did! Also funny, these people I choose to spend my time with, have made the past few days amazing and I didn't even ask them for any of it. God has blessed me in more ways than I have ever hoped for and the out pouring of love on this birthday is really cementing that idea in my mind and the feeling in my heart. If my 20's were about getting to know myself, than I pray that my 30's are about getting to know those around me on a deeper level, to grow relationships with family, friends and God. To build this wonderful, beautiful life that I will look back on fondly and with great joy.

My name is Nina Michelle Stott and I am 30.

Random Thought: The positivity path

I had a great conversation today with a great friend and one of the topics was positive versus negative emotions, how we allow ourselves to feel each and how we come to terms with each. My friend suggested that when we have a positive emotion, we tend to acknowledge that emotion but then try to hold on to it for dear life out of fear that we will lose this positive feeling. Thus making what was once positive, now negative.  Therefore, we should learn to practice positive living, allowing ourselves to feel every emotion both bad and good but choose to accept both with a smile and remain positive overall in our behavior, thinking, analyzing, etc.

**At this point I have two things to say: 1st to my friend - I hope I am giving this concept justice and that I haven't twisted our conversation so that it is no longer recognizable. 2nd to everyone else - I hope I am giving this concept justice and that I'm making some sort of sense here.

This struck a big chord with me for many reasons but the main one being that just last night I had another great conversation with another great friend of mine. However this conversation was about how scattered I felt I was and am in need of some major work, my friend was very gracious in allowing me to explain myself but gave me wonderful advice along the way, without adding any cliche statements that some women give each other just to avoid reality.

** At this point, I'd like that thank this friend for not being cliche!

My point in explaining last nights conversation is that I allowed myself to feel this sadness, to hear my friend make some great points about where I was weak and needed to improve but also where I was strong and not giving myself enough credit, I allowed myself to shed a few tears but then I moved on. I spoke, I listened, I analyzed and accepted and today I woke up with a big smile on my face, a big smile in my heart and it shaped my day in a marvelous way.

I asked my friend today, how does one go about living positively and not just clinging to positive moments.... now that I think about it maybe I've already started to figure out the answer and have found the positivity path all on my own.

Nina Michelle

Yes, I'm special...

After a long and crazy hiatus from.... normal, I'm back! Although, I guess it's debatable on whether or not I was normal to begin with but I guess what I mean by that is I'm back to structure, routine, and staying in one place.

In the past two months, I have lived in Brooklyn NY, San Antonio TX and now Los Angeles, CA. Additionally in that time, I have traveled through Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia (for a few miles at least), Tennessee, and Virginia. Brief recap of my recent travels: NOLA, much cleaner than pre Katrina but still kinda seedy at the same time. Would totally go back, no question. MS and Bama, well there's not much going on from what I can tell but I also just kinda passed through so I'm no expert. TN was AMAZING! I absolutely loved it and WILL be going back. Great music, great people, great sight seeing - mother nature was good to TN. Virginia is also great and I am dying to see DC in the spring and yes I realize that DC is not technically VA. 

Needless to say, I'm exhausted but completely struck by the way this life twists and turns without you ever suspecting it will but enjoying every hairpin curve along the way. I'm hoping I get tossed into a foreign country soon. Yes I need a passport and yes I'm going to get one... I promise! 

So back to my point... I'm back... to normal... in California and what's the first thing I want to do (besides seeing all my friends and family, of course) ... go to the beach! Do I care that it's the middle of "winter"?(I use that term loosely b/c really, come on, we don't have a winter in cali). No I don't care. At all. I wanna feel the sand in my toes, hear the sound of the waves crashing and watch the sunset. Totally worth moving across the country and then moving back to really appreciate! Yes, I'm special... I know.

Sunset by the Redondo Beach Pier

Twenty-Eleven

With 2011 literally just minutes away, I sit here in my parents home thinking back on 2010. I'm sure most people do that this time of year, ponder the past, flick through the memories of their mind and dream about the future, imagining what joys and challenges it may hold. I am obviously no different.

The first part of 2010 had me struggling in what proved to be the hardest part of my dietetic internship (admin - anyone?!) while simultaneously mending my broken heart. I hate having to do that, deal with a broken heart, but I can honestly say that I learn a little bit more about myself every time it happens.  However, the start of 2010 was not just the start of a new year with a heart on the mend but a new life. I was baptized in January of this year and joined a life group for the very first time in my life. I was and still am a infant in Christ but this year marked the first few steps I'd take in seeking Him, what a blessing!

As the year progressed, I completed my internship, graduated from the program and finally was able to take the RD exam. Weeks later, what a relief it was to walk out of that testing center having passed the exam that I worked towards for years. YEARS!! I also managed to run a 10K (ok, maybe I walked some of it :) ), developed my leadership skills in my life group, passed the last of my courses for my graduate degree and got my first job.... as a house sitter! Ha - it was amazing! Of course, with all these blessings I couldn't help but be worried about what the rest of the year would look like, I needed a job - as an RD - and I needed one fast. Of course, that came in form of a position in New York and went as you all well know.

New York was an amazing experience and one I will cherish for the rest of my life. I saw my first snowfall, ran in my first down pour, was in my first tornado, learned the subway system, ate some amazing food and of course met some amazing people that I will cherish forever. I can't help but say that I wished it turned out differently.... but will keep all the good and positive things from that part of my year at the forefront of my mind and learn from the rest.

The year has ended on a note of mixed feelings for me, happy and sad simultaneously claiming my soul. While I don't regret any of the decisions I've made this past year, I look back and wonder if I made the wisest decisions, if I could have done better, if I could have choose a different path and ended up somewhere else. The answer is... of course! I could have made different decisions, chosen differently but then I wouldn't be where I'm supposed to be - which is right here. I'm meant to be here and I know it with every fiber of my being.. and that friends is peace.

so as 2010 comes to a close and I flick through the memories that made this year so amazing, I want to thank everyone who has touched my life and make the reels that much brighter and enjoyable. I'm hopeful for the new year and all that it will bring, both the joy and the challenges.

With much love
Nina Michelle