When someone you love passes away people often say something to the effect of "they'll live in your memory and heart forever". Which at the time is of little use and comfort and yet inevitably someone will say something like that. Instead of punching them in the face, you simply grimace, which you think is a thin smile, as tears fall down your cheeks.
I was recently on a flight to Los Angeles from New York, spending the journey with my favorite past time of reading. This particular flight I was opening up the new novel by Jennifer Wiener "The Next Best Thing". The premise of the book is a young woman moves across the country to Los Angeles with her grandmother to pursue her dreams of being a writer. The book is terrible but the relationship between the young woman and her grandmother struck a familiar cord. I initially smiled as I remembered that my grandmother, just like the fictional one, would cook for me when I was feeling sad but the smile quickly faded. I struggled to remember something specific about my grandmother, her scent, her laugh, the sound of her voice, her mannerisms, anything and as I searched my mind, I realized it is all gone. Not one ring of her laugh, no one waft of her scent, not one note of her voice as she said I love you. I have nothing left of her except snap shots, stills of points in time when I was with her but it's not fluid, it's more like remembering a photo. I broke down on this flight, cried my eyes out and I'm sure made many people around me uncomfortable. This somehow felt like experiencing the death itself all over again. Because while you do want to punch the person who says you have their memories, in the long run that actually is comforting. To know that they did live, that you shared something special with another human being, that there was love shared and memories made.
But what happens when the people you love that have past don't live in your memories forever? What happens when those memories fade?
I've been trying to work this out for weeks and I don't have the answer. However, I do know that she did exist, that she loved me unconditionally and that I love her still to this day.
Grimacing
Nina Michelle
